1 00:00:02,470 --> 00:00:03,737 Here you go. 2 00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,382 And I hope you enjoyed dinner and the show. 3 00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:09,510 The show being me pretending I'm happy as a waitress. 4 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:10,778 Caroline, where is Max? 5 00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,647 And I've already checked the bowels of hell. 6 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:16,684 Yeah, I know where I work. 7 00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:18,119 Max is going to be late today 8 00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:19,396 'cause she got stuck on the subway. 9 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:20,630 But you said yesterday she was late 10 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,656 because she was stuck on the subway. 11 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:27,395 No, I believe I said yesterday she got stuck under the subway. 12 00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,263 Oleg, a little help. 13 00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:30,431 Oh, Max? 14 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,433 Today she got stuck on a bus. 15 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:35,669 And you said that the day before yesterday. 16 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:38,139 - Earl? - She got stuck between the moon 17 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,541 and New York City. 18 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:44,545 I know it's crazy, but it's true. 19 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:45,579 Sorry I'm late. 20 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,581 I couldn't find our cat, Nancy. 21 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:51,419 Also, I was stuck on the bus or under the subway. 22 00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:52,562 Unless they told you something different, 23 00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,588 then I was doing that. 24 00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:57,291 Oh, come on. That excuse was less satisfying 25 00:00:57,325 --> 00:01:00,361 than the end of serial. 26 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,130 Max, really, what do you take me for? 27 00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:04,432 Well, I know where i can't take you. 28 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:08,636 On the big rides at Disneyland. 29 00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,271 Nancy still hasn't come home. 30 00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:11,305 I'm freaking out. 31 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:12,806 She's the only thing I love. 32 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:13,807 [Gasps] 33 00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,709 Whatever. 34 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:18,279 I had a cat once. He was cool. 35 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:22,183 He was black and very sexually active. 36 00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:26,787 Oh, wait, the cool cat I'm talking about was me. 37 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:30,191 Earl, be careful, at your age, you could die having sex. 38 00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,292 I know. 39 00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:33,727 Those ladies don't know whether I'm coming or going. 40 00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:39,267 (peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 41 00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:40,834 [cash register bell dings] 42 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:44,772 * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh * 43 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,345 I think Nancy might be gone for good. 44 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:53,190 I just can't believe she didn't take me with her. 45 00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:54,648 We had a deal. 46 00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,384 Max, she'll come back to the apartment, 47 00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,186 even if she doesn't want to. 48 00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,454 I mean, I always do. 49 00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,256 I am not surprised you're not worried. 50 00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:03,400 You never really liked Nancy. 51 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:06,460 You call her "that cat." 52 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:10,531 As in, "that cat" peed on my pillow. 53 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:14,402 While I was sleeping on it, Max. 54 00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:17,871 Well, blame me. I got her drunk. 55 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:21,775 Hey, everybody! 56 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:26,714 Look, girls, i got your pussy in my purse. 57 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:28,725 Either that's a cat, or you two got to keep better track 58 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:32,753 of your belongings. 59 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,588 Yay! 60 00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:37,925 That cat's back. 61 00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,460 See, Max? 62 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,795 I am excited. 63 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,265 [Baby talk] Oh, I missed you so much. 64 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,467 Oh, yes, I did. 65 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,370 That's not Nancy. 66 00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:50,804 That is a boy. 67 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,678 Well, Max, sorry I don't check out a cat's junk 68 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,708 the second it comes through the door. 69 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,577 Yeah, you only look at the face. 70 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,780 That's the difference between you and me. 71 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,816 See, look, the name tag says "cinnamon." 72 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,953 No wonder that little girl kept crying and saying, 73 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,956 "give me cinnamon, give me cinnamon." 74 00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:11,792 I looked her right in the eye and I said, 75 00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:15,963 "i don't carry spices in my purse." 76 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,299 Max, you are completely overreacting. 77 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:19,967 - It's just a... - Oh! Just a what? 78 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,002 Say it! 79 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:23,937 - It's just a cat. - [Gasps] 80 00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,407 You! 81 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,677 Hey, I'm the one who fronted us that dollar to get her name tag. 82 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,321 Thanks to me, someone's gonna pick her up, 83 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,481 look at it, and say, "oh, you must be lost, 84 00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,449 little... Cat." 85 00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,651 Nancy! Her name's Nancy! 86 00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:38,919 I know her name! 87 00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,754 It got momentarily pushed out of my head 88 00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:43,691 to make room for those 1,600 cupcake t-shirts 89 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,659 we can't unload or pay for. 90 00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,295 You think I don't wake up screaming 91 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,997 four or five nights a week about those t-shirts? 92 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,700 But I know our cat's name. 93 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,935 You don't wake up at night ever. 94 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:58,506 No, I sleep like a dead baby, it's my one gift. 95 00:03:58,539 --> 00:03:59,507 [Phone rings] 96 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,609 Oh, the phone! [Gasps] 97 00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,444 Unknown number. This could be it! 98 00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:08,015 I like my numbers like my condom expiration dates, unknown. 99 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,016 Hello? 100 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,319 - Yes? - Who is it, Max? 101 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,354 You have her? Yay! 102 00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,288 Oh, sure, great. 103 00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:15,456 - Thank you. - He has her? 104 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:16,490 He has Nancy? 105 00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:17,684 Please, too little, too late. 106 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,634 Max, we're in $10,000 worth of debt 107 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,436 and you spent money on new kitty litter? 108 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:32,373 Relax, I'm going to pee in it, too. 109 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,041 Well, I guess it beats that sprite bottle 110 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,976 you've been using in your bedroom. 111 00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:37,778 It's just such a long walk to the bathroom 112 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,313 that every time i have to go, 113 00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:41,749 it's like I'm raising money for Ms. 114 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:44,051 Oh, I have good news. 115 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:48,789 I found your lost bra in the litter box. 116 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:49,833 Don't think I'm not still wearing it. 117 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:51,392 I mean, why not? 118 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:54,762 I ate a hot dog that rolled under a car the other day. 119 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,005 I left a couple of big clumps in, 120 00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:58,699 just to help you out a little. 121 00:04:58,732 --> 00:04:59,700 [Knock at door] 122 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,101 Oh, okay, that's Nancy. 123 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,638 Here's a chance for a fresh start for you two. 124 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,916 And don't bring up the bra, we don't know why she wanted it, 125 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,743 but I'm sure she had her reasons. 126 00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:11,020 Fine, I'll be on my best behavior. 127 00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,747 But you watch and see how she treats me. 128 00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:17,585 It's a two-way street. 129 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:18,852 Hi, I have your cat. 130 00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:21,622 And surprisingly, your doorknob. 131 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,791 Oh, that gum wore out already? 132 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,126 [Gasps] Hi, buddy! 133 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,028 Hi, I'm Caroline. This is Max. 134 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,697 Thank you so much for bringing back... 135 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,799 - Nancy! - I know! 136 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,668 And please note, she did not even look at me. 137 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:35,936 Hi. I'm Owen. 138 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:39,873 Well, we are "Owen" you a big thank-you. 139 00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:41,642 Kind of low on cash, how would you feel 140 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,411 about 1,000 cute cupcake tees? 141 00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,112 Yeah, I don't need 1,000 pink t-shirts. 142 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:48,882 My dad's already mad at me i don't care about sports. 143 00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,684 How do you get this thing open? 144 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:51,928 We usually just take Nancy around 145 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,921 in an old vacuum cleaner bag. 146 00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:57,591 Also doubles as my "going out" purse. 147 00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:59,793 Pardon me, may I get past? 148 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,595 Oh, manners. 149 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:02,863 In our doorway? 150 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,865 I don't know what to do. 151 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:08,936 What's next, a front stoop with no discarded heroin needles? 152 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,538 Yeah, I just came up there. 153 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:13,474 Not today. 154 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:14,708 Here, let me help. 155 00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:16,720 I mean, I'm the dumb one who paid $2,000 for a cat carrier. 156 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:19,046 Hmm. I miss being that stupid. 157 00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:20,881 You know, my cat can't get this open either. 158 00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:23,451 It must be the lack of thumbs. 159 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:26,153 Rich, funny, and in a suit at 9:00 A.M.? 160 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:28,922 I really don't know what to do. 161 00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:31,024 You know, my cat, dickens, loves your cat. 162 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,661 Oh, dickens, after the author? 163 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,664 Dickens, after the author, Max. 164 00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,599 Yeah, I know who that is. 165 00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:42,470 The guy who wrote muppets Christmas Carol. 166 00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,738 There. I knew I'd get it. 167 00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:47,074 'Cause I have thumbs. 168 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,777 [Baby talk] Oh, there she is. 169 00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,044 [Cat meows] - Yes. 170 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,180 So I take it by the cat, you're single? 171 00:06:57,217 --> 00:06:57,951 Big time. 172 00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,788 So, do you and dickens live alone? 173 00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,990 Oh no, she's trying to flirt. 174 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,592 I travel a lot for work. 175 00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:05,659 I'm a venture capitalist. 176 00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:06,660 So you know how it is. 177 00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:07,728 Oh, I do. I absolutely do. 178 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,029 - I... - Here it comes. 179 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,131 - Went to wharton. - Boom. 180 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,709 Well, if she gets lost again, you know where to find her. 181 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,002 She's been hanging around outside our window 182 00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:16,212 every day for the last couple of months. 183 00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:18,171 So I let her in. I hope that's okay. 184 00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,108 Is that okay? It's awesome. 185 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:23,677 I hope your girlfriend didn't mind. 186 00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:24,678 We just broke up. 187 00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:25,779 So I'm single. 188 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:26,847 And I better get going. 189 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:27,848 I've got a 10:00 meeting. 190 00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:28,849 Max, give the man his case. 191 00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,218 He has a 10:00 meeting. 192 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,996 She doesn't want to get out of cushy this thing. 193 00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:34,555 I totally get it. 194 00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:35,865 I had to be dragged out of that massage chair 195 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:38,058 at brookstone by mall security. 196 00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,860 Well, here's my card, just give me a call 197 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,204 when you want me to pick up the case. 198 00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,997 You have a card? 199 00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,800 A card, a meeting, a suit, a joke? 200 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:50,070 Are you the next bachelor? 201 00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,105 Well, thank you, Owen Charles Boyd, 202 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,941 for bringing back our beloved... 203 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,284 - Her name's Nancy! - I know her name. 204 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,178 Why do I have to say it so fast? 205 00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,882 She's joking, she's just not as funny as you. 206 00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:03,283 Well, it was nice to meet you. 207 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,218 Bye, Nancy. 208 00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,252 Okay. 209 00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:13,527 Yes, I was flirting. 210 00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,095 But I was doing it for our business. 211 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:18,165 You should really be doing it for your business. 212 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:21,234 'Cause your business is going out of business. 213 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,235 He has a card. 214 00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:24,805 And it's not for medical marijuana. 215 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:25,906 He's a venture capitalist. 216 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,040 That's the kind of fat cat 217 00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:28,976 that can help us get back on our feet. 218 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,587 Speaking of fat cats, Nancy's looking like 219 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,814 she might need to give Jenny a call. 220 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,048 Hey, girls. 221 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:38,118 Oh, you found Nancy. 222 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:41,755 I knew she'd come back pregnant. 223 00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,332 Wait, Sophie, how can you tell she's pregnant 224 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,894 and just not fighting the same battle Jonah hill is fighting? 225 00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:50,731 Well, her fur is thicker, she's got a little sparkle in her eye, 226 00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:53,667 and there's a little kitten head about to pop out of her patoot. 227 00:08:58,606 --> 00:09:01,008 [Nancy meowing] 228 00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:04,645 Come on. Push, Nancy. 229 00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,246 Come on, we all know what you did. 230 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:10,183 Now is not the time to be shy. 231 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,928 You do know what you're doing, right, Sophie? 232 00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,229 This isn't like the time you told us 233 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:16,857 you could do your own bikini wax with a candle? 234 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,360 'Cause I still have the vanilla-scented scars from that. 235 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,029 Don't worry. 236 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,798 In my village, all the kuchenskis women 237 00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,667 acted as animal midwives. 238 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:29,169 It was the best way to meet guys. 239 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,804 Strap in, girls. 240 00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:33,807 [Nancy meowing] - Ah! She's crowning! 241 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,242 I can't believe it. 242 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,645 I thought Nancy was smarter than this. 243 00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,155 But it turns out she's just like the rest of the women 244 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:40,147 in my family. 245 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:44,685 Screwed by some stranger she met in the dumpster. 246 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:47,220 Okay, here we go. 247 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,689 [Nancy meowing] 248 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:53,293 Oh, there goes my ring. 249 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,963 I... sorry, Nancy. 250 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,665 (Sophie) Oh, here we go! 251 00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:02,202 Come on, girls, I need some hot water and fresh towels. 252 00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,271 We do, too. For, like, four years. 253 00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,073 Uh... 254 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,383 How about some of these t-shirts? 255 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,209 Oh, sure why not use those? 256 00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:10,844 They used to be our bright future. 257 00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,782 Now just a shamwow for illegitimate cats. 258 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:17,184 [Nancy meowing] 259 00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,119 Oh, my god, that must be the sound 260 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:22,723 of a surrendering cat uterus. 261 00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,000 Well, it's the first time a uterus has surrendered 262 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:28,295 in that bed in a while. 263 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,330 [Kittens meowing] 264 00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,132 I don't know why I'm not throwing up. 265 00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:36,103 Oh, wait. I'm starting to. 266 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,404 [Kittens continue meowing] 267 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:41,775 Well, I'm off Korean dumplings for life. 268 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,077 This one... This one won't come out. 269 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:47,247 It's like the queen latifah of kittens. 270 00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:55,288 Sophie, I got your text that you were in bed with Nancy. 271 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,256 Who is this Nancy, 272 00:10:56,289 --> 00:11:00,227 and when did we go back to doing three-ways? 273 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,462 Nancy's a cat. 274 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,431 Mm, that's a no. 275 00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:07,200 I've got to draw the line somewhere. 276 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:15,442 Well, I heard the news. 277 00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:20,080 Looks like you two are grandmothers before you're 30. 278 00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:24,051 Can't say I'm surprised. 279 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,019 Okay, before you even ask, 280 00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,455 I don't pay for cat maternity leave. 281 00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:31,792 This isn't Google. 282 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:36,096 This isn't even ask jeeves, han. 283 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:39,099 Well, I can help you get the kittens good homes. 284 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:41,334 The people in my building are very nice. 285 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:45,005 Except if you don't recycle one bottle of sparkling cider, 286 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,841 then nobody talks to you in the elevator. 287 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,010 Han, we're not giving the kittens away. 288 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,912 Nancy landed herself a rich cat, 289 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:55,315 we're gonna be living off a hefty kitty support. 290 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,184 Only you two would be desperate enough 291 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:01,088 to try and find a sugar catty. 292 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:02,956 So has Owen called you back yet? 293 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:04,892 Um, we're trading. 294 00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,159 "We're trading"? 295 00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:08,061 "We're trading" is lonely white girl talk 296 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:10,197 for "he hasn't called me back." 297 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,532 I can't believe this. He's a deadbeat dad. 298 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,367 Max, he's just busy. 299 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,369 And I think you might be projecting a little 300 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,504 because of your dad. 301 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:18,939 Not that I'm a therapist. 302 00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,974 I mean, i can't even afford a couch. 303 00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:22,275 I'm not projecting. 304 00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:26,079 I just know a deadbeat dad when I don't see one! 305 00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,114 Where's his card? 306 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,381 I don't remember where i... 307 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,984 [gasps] Max, let go! I've got this. 308 00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,820 That guy can really help us with our business. 309 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,521 Please, let me handle this. 310 00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:35,522 Look, Ryan gosling. 311 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:38,058 [Gasps] 312 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,159 - I got this. - I got this. 313 00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:40,427 - I got this. - I got this. 314 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:44,865 Keep going, girls, I'm almost there. 315 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,033 I got this, Max. 316 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,901 And when he comes to get the cat carrier, 317 00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:48,936 I'll talk to him. 318 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,237 You're way too emotional. 319 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,205 You just went to third base with my apron. 320 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,013 Sitting on this stoop is nice. 321 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,915 How come we never sit out here? 322 00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:03,016 [Gunshots ringing] 323 00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:05,418 [Woman shrieking] 324 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,420 There it is. 325 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,489 Oh, please, it's just rico. 326 00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:16,163 Rico looks good. I think he got another tattoo. 327 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:19,066 Look, when Owen gets here, should we still be alive, 328 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,333 please let me do the talking. 329 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,103 Kittens aside, Owen can help us. 330 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,905 A venture capitalist buys companies 331 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:26,173 and turns them around. 332 00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,441 Yeah, I've seen pretty woman. 333 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:31,178 That's how I realized i wasn't charging enough. 334 00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,913 Go, Max, here he comes. 335 00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:35,582 All right, but I'll be watching inside from the window. 336 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,993 It's probably better, because i don't trust Nancy alone 337 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,218 with those kittens. 338 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,853 She's got some serious postpartum. 339 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,955 When I left the room, she was lighting a menthol 100 340 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:45,625 with a shaky paw. 341 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,060 Hi. 342 00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:49,229 Crazy we live walking distance from each other. 343 00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,864 We don't. The uber driver 344 00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:53,200 wouldn't go past the fire hydrant on the corner. 345 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,543 The one with the bloody shoe hanging from it? 346 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,369 That's the one. 347 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:58,205 [Woman screaming] 348 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,340 You know what? I'm just gonna take the cat carrier. 349 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:04,211 Before you go... 350 00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,146 We have this small cupcake company 351 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,614 that's just begging to be an empire, 352 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:10,984 and I wanted to pick your brain about some business stuff. 353 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:19,192 Okay, so your dickens got our cat pregnant, 354 00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:21,361 and she just had five kittens. 355 00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,372 And at her age, it's a miracle we didn't have to pay 356 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,065 for in vitro. 357 00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:26,375 How do you know they are dickens's? 358 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,935 I'm not saying that Nancy's easy, 359 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,445 it's just, I've seen her go in and out 360 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:32,439 of a lot of windows. 361 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,608 [Police sirens blaring in the distance] 362 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,544 Did he just drop a gun? 363 00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,612 It's fine. He has more. 364 00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,324 Okay, call my assistant, you can pick my brain. 365 00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:45,118 I just don't want it to be off the sidewalk. 366 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,662 Really, I got to go. I can't get killed. 367 00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:49,422 I'm wearing new suede loafers. 368 00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,125 Uber, an assistant, and suede loafers? 369 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,293 Are you for real? 370 00:14:58,431 --> 00:14:59,532 I hope I'm not intruding. 371 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,667 No, come in. 372 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,269 I was just brushing my new loafers. 373 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,537 I bought them as a break-up gift for myself. 374 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:08,275 But unlike my ex-girlfriend, these have a sole. 375 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:11,144 I didn't wanna mention the cat situation to your assistant. 376 00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:13,089 Next thing you know, it's all over the lunch room: 377 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:16,950 Owen Charles Boyd's cat is a raw-dogger. 378 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,086 My business partner stepped on them. 379 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,153 Said it was an accident. 380 00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,288 Didn't feel like one. 381 00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,223 One shoe yes, but both? 382 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,158 Highly unlikely. 383 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:28,561 Owen, sometimes in life, it's not just an innocent cat 384 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:29,963 that gets screwed. 385 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:33,066 A girl can get screwed as well. 386 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:36,203 Oh, hey, hi. What's happening? 387 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:39,572 As in, screwed by one bad business decision. 388 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,641 My partner, Max, and i recently invested 389 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:45,712 all our savings in... Well, here, take a look. 390 00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,380 - [Gasps] - Oh, my coffee! 391 00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:48,415 - Oh. - My loafer! 392 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,184 My coffee's on my loafer! 393 00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:53,053 Here, let me. 394 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,330 No, you dab. You don't wipe suede. 395 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,455 You dab. 396 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,324 Dab. Dab. I'm sorry. 397 00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:58,358 I used to know that. 398 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,593 That's rich 101. 399 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,062 Let me just go find some water 400 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:05,265 and I'll dab, not wipe, this out. 401 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,742 We're not done yet. I'm going back in. 402 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:07,734 It's going really well though. 403 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,203 Where's water? 404 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:13,106 Do you know how to unsend an email? 405 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,608 If I did, my rich ex-boyfriend would've never found out 406 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,244 what I thought of his lisp 407 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:20,447 and I'd be living in the "thouth of franth" right now. 408 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,615 [Elevator bell dings] 409 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,017 Where is he? 410 00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:26,619 He needs to see these adorable bastards. 411 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,188 Max, how did you find me here? 412 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,323 I told you I was going on a "think walk." 413 00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:32,225 I followed you. 414 00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:33,702 I never noticed how much you check yourself out 415 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:36,629 in store windows. You have a problem. 416 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,631 Do either of you know a way to turn the phrase, 417 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:43,103 "self-absorbed, ridiculous pig" into a compliment? 418 00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:45,805 If I did, I'd still be on the apprentice. 419 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,340 Owen's going to see that email 420 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:48,608 and I'm going to get fired. 421 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,811 I have to start paying attention to details. 422 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,513 I'm just gonna go back in. 423 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,648 What? I don't care. 424 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:56,749 Not without me you're not. 425 00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:58,218 Max, please, let me handle this. 426 00:16:58,251 --> 00:16:59,452 I'm begging you. 427 00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:02,722 We're getting close, look, I'm holding his shoe. 428 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,491 If he doesn't step up here, 429 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,801 these kittens will feel neglected, 430 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,327 and it is only a matter of time 431 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,296 till they are waitressing or worse. 432 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,763 Max, you're wrong. 433 00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:13,566 There's nothing worse than waitressing. 434 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,801 Max, stop! 435 00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,169 You'll ruin everything. 436 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,670 I can fix this and us. 437 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,806 We are beyond help. 438 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,574 It's all about these kittens. 439 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:22,851 - Now move, I got this. - No, I got this. 440 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,277 - I got this. - I got this. 441 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,279 - I... - [Gasps] 442 00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:27,680 Oh, my god. 443 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:28,681 What the hell is happening? 444 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,450 [Kittens meowing] 445 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:34,654 That's right. I came to your office with a basket of cats. 446 00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:36,323 Max, I'm so sorry. 447 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:39,092 Yeah, well, he's the one who should be sorry. 448 00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:43,696 I want you to look these kittens in the whiskers 449 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,833 and tell them that dickens is not their father. 450 00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,568 What makes you think they're mine. Why? 451 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,204 Because they look just like dickens 452 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:53,773 when he was a tiny baby kitten. 453 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,209 Oh, and this one's even cuter. 454 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,310 And that one. 455 00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:58,811 I'll take them all. 456 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,223 But not that one. Seems a little off. 457 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,815 Not quite as alert as the others. 458 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:06,186 Oh, she's not good enough for you? 459 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,887 - Max. Projecting. - I'm not projecting. 460 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,332 He said she's not good enough for him. 461 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:10,457 What? 462 00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,893 Just because she was unplanned and not good at math? 463 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,563 Developed boobs way too early? 464 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:17,797 Okay, fine. I'm projecting. 465 00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,199 What is going on? 466 00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:20,476 Caroline, are we gonna hook up or what? 467 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,236 This is, like the weirdest foreplay ever. 468 00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,738 Hook up? What would make you think I want to hook up? 469 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,375 Oh, because i business flirted? 470 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:29,776 That's wharton 101. 471 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,644 It was more than business flirting. 472 00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:32,855 You begged to come to my office, 473 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,415 show up wearing a see-through shirt. 474 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,516 That was not by choice. 475 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,318 It is cheaply made. 476 00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:40,153 I came here to talk to you about our business, 477 00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:42,855 and possibly get you to invest in a small, but spirited... 478 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,725 Invest? This is the financial capital of the world. 479 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,594 [Baby talk] Yes, it is. 480 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,630 Why would I invest in a desperate little cupcake shop? 481 00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:54,634 (Both) You! 482 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,802 That's it! 483 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:57,504 No cats for you. 484 00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:58,671 (Caroline) You know what? 485 00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:01,241 You are a self-absorbed, ridiculous pig. 486 00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:01,908 Says you. 487 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,310 And your assistant. 488 00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:06,646 Check your email. 489 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,481 I was able to unsend it. 490 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,583 Yay! 491 00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:14,887 Yeah, might want to re-ignite that linkedin profile. 492 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,923 You're gonna be home a lot more, you want a cat? 493 00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,258 - [Gasps] [Kittens meowing] 494 00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:25,365 Thanks for taking the kittens, han. 495 00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:26,809 I feel like you have an understanding 496 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,936 of small creatures, being one yourself. 497 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:32,905 Have no fear, my building is loaded with lesbians. 498 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,341 They take home rescue cats 499 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,277 faster than they take home other lesbians. 500 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,379 Okay, let's discuss my terms. 501 00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:40,813 Unlike all my non-animal children, 502 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,283 I want to know they're taken care of. 503 00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:45,885 What part of lesbian don't you understand? 504 00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:49,289 They'll be swaddled in a flannel shirt by nightfall. 505 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,292 Okay, now this one, i call junkie. 506 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,694 'Cause he's got a serious catnip problem. 507 00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:57,330 Oh, so you raised a drug addict within a week. 508 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:58,731 Sounds about right. 509 00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:00,700 These two should try and stay together. 510 00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:03,503 We call them game of thrones one 511 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:04,837 and game of thrones two. 512 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:08,241 'Cause they're siblings and lovers. 513 00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:09,509 This one's the boy. 514 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:14,247 Watch him and learn what humping looks like. 515 00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:15,848 This one's pretty bland. 516 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,584 She lays around, doesn't meow much, 517 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,587 and when she does, she's kind of phoning it in. 518 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,555 We call her Amy Adams. 519 00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,756 Yep. 520 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,293 This last one gets special attention. 521 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,728 She's the smallest, but she's got potential. 522 00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:31,331 I mean, look at those nipples. 523 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:34,734 And now the nipples are all I see. 524 00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:35,802 Have a nice life. 525 00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,504 I'll find you on instagram. 526 00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:38,505 Check out grumpy cat. 527 00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:39,539 Do what he does. 528 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:40,773 Well, bye, kitties. 529 00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:44,043 And remember, stripping isn't dancing. 530 00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:48,415 And now all I can see is them wearing pasties. 531 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:49,482 You know what, Max? 532 00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:51,584 We don't need that rich guy to fix our business. 533 00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:53,486 We can do it ourselves. 534 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,063 Who am I kidding? Our business is in worse shape 535 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,957 than two retired guys in a golf cart. 536 00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:59,659 Well, you know what we'd better fix? 537 00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:00,927 Nancy. 538 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,629 'Cause he was right, she's a slut. 539 00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:06,866 Someone just found her 69-ing a tabby in the alley. 540 00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:08,935 [Cash register bell dings]